This story has been written in hopes of keeping any identities private, and does not reflect my current beliefs until the very end.

Its Sunday morning and I grab my children’s Bible and hop in the car with my grandma, who I call Mammy. There is nothing I enjoy more than going to church with Mammy. I am not sure if any of our family that lives on the farm with will show this time. It is always a toss up with them, but not Mammy and I. We are at church for every Sunday morning, Wednesday night, revival, Vacation Bible School, you name it, we were there. The car is full of the smell of fresh blueberry and banana-nut muffins Mammy had made for her Sunday school class. I unfortunately had aged out of her class already and was now in the big kid class. I walk up the blue carpeted stairs to the classroom just behind the sound booth of the sanctuary. I frown because my favorite sound booth tech isn’t here yet to share his gum with me. I go into my classroom and am greeted with a warm hug from my Sunday school teacher. She was my preschool teacher for two years. Her family and mine used to do business together and have gone to church together for a very long time. She has always been one of my favorite people on planet Earth. As peaceful and full of love as my morning had been, the mood in the room quickly shifted as she introduced our topic of the day. At first I did not catch the word she said, but I knew it meant something really bad. My family always called it something else when they mentioned it in hushed whispers, before quickly changing the subject or shooing me out of the room. This time I caught it, homosexuality. My family called it gay. It hurt when she taught the only thing that she knew. That people who date or marry people of the same sex are probably not going to heaven. This broke my heart and I began to sob. My favorite aunt is gay and I could not handle the thought that she may not be in heaven with me some day. My teacher hugged me and told the class that I was crying because someone I love very dearly struggles with this sin. For the rest of my time in that church I rarely heard sexuality talked about in a classroom or from the pulpit, but I heard it at home. The word abomination floated around our farm like the scent of spoiled meat. I never got to see my aunt as much as I wanted to. I always loved her movie and puzzle collections.

One day at school I had drawn a rainbow unicorn with rainbows all in the background. I brought it home and told my mom that I was going to give it to my aunt. Then it dawned on me. I better not give her something with rainbows. Rainbows mean something different to her. My mom took it and gave it to my aunt anyways and told her that I was not going to give it to her. I was in the car with my aunt when she asked me why I didn’t want to give it to her. The awkward tension was so strong that I thought I would choke on it. I stumbled out some version of “I know you like girls.” That conversation never changed our relationship.

Years later my aunt and I were inseparable, we had everything in common. Well, almost everything. One day we were driving around picking daffodils, when the dreaded subject came up. My aunt was always the tough type. People did not mess with her, and she did not show any signs of weakness. Until that day. The first time I ever saw my aunt cry was as she earnestly choked out the words “Do you think I would choose to be this way, if I had any choice?” Until that moment I believed that people chose to be gay, just to go against God and fulfill their sinful natures. Those words brought everything I knew about my faith into question. Her words changed my life forever, and I thank God for that. I had never thought of my aunt as a bad person. In my mind her sin was just as big as every other sin. My parents’ relationship seemed a lot more broken to me than who my aunt loved.

All through out school I “dated” lots of boys. But they never meant as much to me as my close female friends. Only the weird girls did not have a boyfriend, so I made the valentines and went to the school dances. In fifth grade I noticed that I began to get jealous any time my best friend put another friend before me. I was so jealous that I wrote her a long letter and let her read it in the middle of class. She broke down sobbing and I felt like a major jackass, but I only did it because I wanted her to know how hurt I was. We talked it all out and both apologized, but after that we only began to drift apart faster and faster. In seventh grade I became very close with a girl that I will call Rose. We had a few classes together and we never seemed to get anything done. She had quickly grown into being my best friend, but I definitely was not hers. She was friends with all of the athletic popular girls, who had long since moved on from me. Long story short we were galantines and I took her out to the movies. We had gotten super close and then over the summer she ghosted me completely. This devastated me but I did not care. In my eyes she was still perfect. It took me years to realize and accept that she had been my first female crush. In eighth grade I began to become really close with another girl that we will call Reese. Reese and I became inseparable very quickly. My parents were fresh out of their divorce so Reese became my home. We were almost never apart and we both liked it that way. In tenth grade I began to notice that other girls did not act like us. People started poking fun at how it seemed like we were dating, and we would deny it. Then I started to notice how beautiful she was. In everything that she did. She was my person and my feelings began to change. I openly asked her if we were just friends and she was certain that we were. Later on I could not hide my own uncertainty, and it became known to both of us that I liked her as more than friends. She was not budging, and I was beginning a very dark road of mental illness. I was already suffering from depression and my therapists now believe that it is chronic and I have had it my entire life. But this was different then the sadness about my home life. This was my afterlife were were talking about. Being gay is an abomination to God. So, I kept on dating boys and trying so hard to feel something more than I did for her. When I broke up with my longest boyfriend, he looked me straight in the face and told me it was because of Reese and that I am just gay. This was not in a I didn’t get what I wanted kind of way. He meant it out of deep care for me. I struggled with my faith and my feelings for a long time, and Reese was struggling in her own way. In many ways we had become incredibly co-dependent of each other, and she did not help set healthy boundaries. In fact we did the opposite. She kissed me a few times, but just a peck here and there. Nothing more than what most female friends do. At, least that’s what I thought. Our relationship crashed and burned slowly, but quickly. Every day she was with him felt like an eternity. Slowly, I was being replaced by the guy “she doesn’t like like that.” I was very jealous and she gravitated towards him. I am not bitter, because it is both of ours’s first time on earth, and neither of us had seen what a stable relationship looks like. We both said things that we should not have, and eventually I chose to end the friendship, because I wanted her to be happy. They married right out of high school. My second semester of senior year I had enough credits to graduate, so I stopped attending classes. When I left on my last day of school, the only person I cried about leaving was Rose. We had become friends again, but with Reese around my other friendships looked very much like acquaintances.

At this point I had accepted the reality of the situation, but did not accept that I was gay until my freshman year at my private Baptist college. After I graduated high school I became very invested in my new church. I had become close to my Sunday school teacher and she helped me navigate much of the situation with Reese before, during, and after it ended. She was the first person who told me that being attracted to the same sex does not change how she sees me or how God sees me. This rocked my world. Although, I did believe that being gay is not someone’s choice, I still believed that it was an unforgiveable sin. That teacher spoke the truth of God into my heart. A father would never condemn his creation for something they cannot change. My sexuality became something I talked about openly with many older women in the church, and I felt years of religious trauma undo itself. My Bible classes also seem to affirm what these women poured into me. Stay with me as I reach the hard part of this conversation.

1. Homosexual sex is a sin.
2. There is a difference between homosexuality and being same-sex attracted.
3. Being same-sex attracted is not a sin.

As hard as I tried to get around homosexuality being a sin, it is impossible if scripture is taken in the correct context, and without claiming mistranslation. In my opinion, the Bible as we have it is infallible and very reliable. Every manuscript that has been found has been incredibly identical throughout the centuries. It does not take a mistranslation to prove that homosexuality is not what God intended for his creation. But as a fallen world sin has become the new normal. When I struggle with the fact that I may never be able to experience a romantic relationship as God originally intended it, I remember that humans’ sin is the reason why everything wrong with the world came to be. God did not create me gay. I firmly believe that my nurturing caused me to become same-sex attracted. I cannot speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.

The most important thing that I want my readers to take away from this conversation is this, being a practicing gay is no worse a sin than the countless sins that everyone commits daily. Sexual sin runs rampant in every sexuality type. There are an infinite number of sins and at the end of the day everyone struggles with something. I am currently choosing to abstain from any same-sex relationships right now so I can focus on my ministry. This may be a lifetime thing for me. Sometimes I struggle with this, but God continues to put things in my life that replace any sexual desires. From my studies, for people who are not going into ministry, I believe that a platonic life partner is a real option. Lavender relationships can be beautiful. People will tell you that lifelong celibacy or living in sin are the only options, but scripture only states that the homosexual sexual acts are the sin. If you are struggling with your homosexuality in the church, I believe that you must rely heavily on your own convictions and spend lots of time talking to God and reading his word. I have faith that he will deliver us all from our suffering, if not now than one day. One day when we are living in the New Jerusalem with Christ Jesus, this entire conversation will be irrelevant. There will be no longing other than the longing to worship God.

No matter how you choose to live your life, I view you as a child of God, and God is El Roi, the God who sees me (Genesis 16). He sees you and your struggle. As long as you do your best to serve God in relationship with him, you will not be condemned for any sins. The blood of Christ is sovereign over any confusing conversation that can be had. Feel free to ask any questions in the comments. This is a safe and judgement free space.

Book Suggestion(s):

Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill