We all know that spiritual warfare is something that every person deals with in some shape, form, or fashion. Most of the time these struggles are hidden well. Today’s topic is most likely going to be something new to many readers, or at least I hope so in a sense. Before you read this post, be sure to check out my article on Sexuality in the Church, so that you understand my framework for this topic.

My friend who we will call Alex, has recently opened up to me about some personal conviction that she has been facing about her relationship with her girlfriend. Alex is from a Christian family and attends a private Baptist college, but has been labeling herself as gay for a few years now privately. We became friends when I was still grappling with being same-sex attracted and what that meant for me. Since then I have been lovingly expressing my views while being honest about my experiences. I will not act like I do not participate in jokes or playful flirting, but at the end of the day I would never claim the title of “proud gay.” I caught Alex a few times dropping the abomination word casually and mentioning how she was going to hell. This is where her spiritual warfare met my passionate calling. I immediately begin to ask her the hard questions like where does the Bible say that you are an abomination and going straight to hell. Are you getting that from the Bible or your tradition? Eventually we ended up in an incredibly long text conversation about her conviction and how she believed that her active homosexual lifestyle was going to send her to hell due to her living in sin. However, she did not really believe those things. She believed she was supposed believe those things, but they never quite sat right with her. We talked about how a person who has a relationship with Jesus will not be condemned for their sins, and therefore does not live in them. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:1-2 ESV). However, everyone deals with sin that is an abomination to God, and that is exactly why we need Jesus. We both agree that she was not born same-sex attracted, but was molded in a sense as was I. But most of all we talked about the difference in conviction and guilt.

Alex wanted to break up with her girlfriend for more reasons than just her conviction, but the other trivial relationship topics had no real weight in her decision. She was battling with the common issue of “is it my voice or God’s voice?” If it was simply her voice reflecting deep seated shame and guilt a breakup was not as urgent, but if it was God’s voice than the breakup was imminent. This is where Alex’s faith came into play. First let’s discuss how to separate God’s word from all else.

As an OCDer I spend a lot of time deciphering what is my voice and what is my OCD. I also have to sift through what is God’s voice in the midst of all of that. With my OCD I have to take the intrusive thought and weigh it against proof. When I get the thought of “what if I just decide to harm myself,” I then follow up with “do you want to harm yourself” or “why would you want to harm yourself?” Most of the time the answer is obvious, but sometimes it is not. Those are the times I would need to ask for outside help from a friend or therapist. However, when it comes to differentiating God’s voice, I find it to be a lot easier. One pastor said to me, in order to hear God’s voice you have to know what his voice sounds like. Where can we hear God’s voice? In his Word and in prayer. If we spend time in the Word and learn about God’s character, it is easier to tell if a thought aligns with his character or not. When we spend time talking to God in prayer we can know what his voice sounds like. I will not lie my prayer life probably boils down to about four prayers a week on average, counting prayers during church services. I want to be better about this and I even brought rosary beads from St. Peter’s basilica in Italy in order to have something tangible to help me stay focused, but even then I still find it difficult. Through my time at school and church before that, when I study the Word I feel God speaking to me much more than during prayer. My prayers get inarguably answered here and there, but I never fail to see God work in me through his Word.

So lets relate this back to our topic. During the relationships that I experienced before (see previous posts for details), I would feel conviction that felt a lot like guilt. Whenever I would think about being more than friends with a girl I would get this feeling that I want to just call “yucky.” That feeling that you are failing. Failing God, your family, your church, and failing yourself. There was no compulsion other than to resist. Many people who cared deeply about me, wanted me to believe that it was simple guilt and shame from being wrongly told that homosexuality is an abomination and grounds for eternity in Hell. Others wanted me to believe it was conviction, because these desires went against God’s design. I was torn and swayed back and forth between these options, depending on if I wanted to enjoy my desires or stop them. This is when I had to hear God on my own, unfiltered by anyone else.

God is love. This is undoubtfully true. So how can a type of love be wrong, especially if I do not choose to have same-sex desires? This is when we have to breakdown what that “love” means. When I take a step back an look at what people mean when they say love is love there are many different things we are talking about. Some believe the lust is a type of love. Some believe that the love that people have is the same type of love that God has for us. The Greek word used to describe God’s love for us is “agape.” This is an overwhelming, eternal, perpetual, and unconditional love that cannot be compared to human “love” at all. Yes, God is love, but this is not the love that we experience at all. Matthew 22:30, Mark 12:25, and Luke 20:35-36, all state that there will be no marriage in the new heaven and new earth. All human loves will pass away and only God’s love will remain. Now, let’s discuss the idea that God make’s people gay. I have mentioned before, that I do not believe that people are born gay, nor do I think they choose to be gay. I think homosexuality is a product of our nurturing, along with other outside factors in our developmental period. Saying this, I do not mean that same-sex attraction is evil or an abomination. I simply mean it was not God’s original design. If you read the Bible critically and in context, you cannot escape the fact that practicing same-sex sexual practices is a sin. But only practicing the act itself, not experiencing the attraction alone. This is where things get complicated. If we want to talk about God’s original design then we cannot set aside the common practices that were once in this category as well. Eating meat, and wearing clothes were not a thing in the garden of Eden. The difference in these two topics and homosexuality are that the two are later approved by God (see Genesis 9:3, and Genesis 3:21). Practicing homosexuality is never approved by God and is mentioned alongside many other sins of equal detriment.

If we go by all of these things, a person who is in a practicing homosexual relationship is most likely experiencing conviction from God. Now when we talk about same-sex celibate relationships, this is where we must weigh God’s character against our relationship. What do we get out of the relationship? Just like in any relationship we must decide if the relationship is mirroring the character of God. Is the relationship ultimately strengthening your spiritual health, or is it stagnant or harmful.

Now, I want to continue with a topic from all three Gospels. Jesus says “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” What Jesus is saying is that we must cast off the life that we want, for a life with him. He also says “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” This was in the context of money, but the principle still stands. You cannot serve yourself and your desires and whole-heartedly follow Christ. If your desires align with God’s desires, than they can and should be pursued. Otherwise they should be cast off like Bartimaeus’ cloak (Mark 10).

Lastly, I want to close this post with another passage from Romans 8, and a personal favorite of mine. “‘Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26 ESV). This passage has helped me a lot while I struggle with all these things. Sometimes the pain of this world gets unbearable and I do not even know how to bring it to God. That is when I find comfort in knowing that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf and hears my unsaid prayers. We are always heard by God, and we are always held by God. You are not alone in this by any means. If you have any further questions or just need someone to chat with, the comment section is a safe space for everyone. Wishing all my love and peace into your situation whatever it may be.

-Maci